I Have Something Important to Tell You

I Have Something Important to Tell You by: KnightAnNi Content Warnings: Depression, implied suicidal ideation, brief mention of religion [[Begin]]

''The Part that I Say:'' I know you are only five, but I have something very important to tell you. Your mother has a mental illness. It runs in the family. I get it from my dad’s side and my mom’s side. I take a little pill to treat it. [[==>]]

I am telling you this because you may have a mental illness, too. You are not sick now, but you may be in the future. I want you to know so that if you do get sick, you will not be surprised. I want you to know to tell us when you feel bad. [[==>|sadness]]

For me, my illness is sadness. It is not a sadness I can control. The pill I take helps me to be happy. It is a dangerous illness because it tricks me into thinking that nothing is good. Not even me. It tells me lies. It says that I would be better off dead. But when I take my medicine, I do not hear it tell me anything. Instead, I hear only the truth. I hear it from you and from Daddy. [[==>|wrong]]

Some people might say that it is wrong for me to have children because of my sickness, but I think they are wrong. Everyone has a sickness inside them, a weakness that their parents had and their parents before them. [[==>|maybe never]]

You might never get this sickness. But if you do, it is very treatable. [[==>|please]]

So please, if your heart or your mind ever feel sick, please don’t be afraid to tell us because we will take you to the doctor and do everything we can to help you. [[==>|the part i dont say]]

''The Part I Do Not Say:'' Tea and yoga never did work for me. And I’ve never liked the term “self-care.” It always feels insincere, a quick-fix for stupid problems like “worry” or “doubt” or “anxiety.” All of which I have (had? With my medicine, it’s easy to forget how bad I used to feel, how bad I could still feel if I miss a dose.) Maybe it’s because the words sound too simple, as if they claim to encompass (and cure) every aspect of mental illness in those few letters when obviously they can’t. [[==>|hoping]]

I am desperately hoping that I will recognize depression in my own children, if they ever get it. I am desperately hoping that my children will have the vocabulary to recognize their own illness and tell me. [[==>|medicine]]

But I must say, medicine is great. It was worth the side effects. I can think clearly now. My mind is free and buoyant, like balloons untethered in the sky. [[==>|religion]]

I never thought I would live this long, but praise God He stayed my hand when I almost caved in to the lies. The years that the locust destroyed, He is restoring even now. [[==>|normal]]

I will have a normal life. Those were not the best years of my life. But these are becoming so even now. (The End)